When Mary Sues Become Too Much
by Treeofdoooom
Summary: The first in a long line of PPC Spinoffs.
1. Chapter 1

_**When the Mary Sues Became too Much**_

This is a series of PPC spin-offs. They are written by me and my friend Jen. This one was actually written by Jenn, but it's the first of them, and it wouldn't make any sense otherwise.

Disclaimer: I did not invent the PPC, or any of the wonderful gadgets that I happen to mention. All these were created by Jay and Acacia in the original series, found here ---- If you find it offensive, please don't take legal action, I'm a nice person really!

For your viewing convenience, extracts from the fan fic have been written in italic. Just so you don't have to strain your poor brains figuring things out.

"Better left to the imagination"

Jenn was finding it more than a little difficult finding her way around the grey building of the PPC headquarters. She had been summoned to the head office. She didn't know why yet.

After much time of searching, then giving up, and then finding it suddenly, Jenn pushed open the door to be greeted by a large sunflower.

"Agent Wren, come in."

And she did.

"This is your new partner, Agent Lemon."

For the first time Jenn noticed a girl slightly smaller than herself (which was saying something) standing in the corner, arms folded across her chest, with an expression of slight bewilderment. This arrangement would be fine for Jenn, except for one thing.

"But I already have a partner."

"Your request to be transferred from the Department of Bad Slash has been accepted. You will now be working with Agent Lemon in the Department of Mary Sues."

"Any area in particular?"

"Harry Potter."

It was all Jenn could do to stop herself from dancing.

Much more time later, the two agents had found their new office.

"Ah, so..." began Agent Lemon, breaking the silence. "I'm Nel."

"Hello! I'm Jenn. Have you worked here before?"

"Uh, not for very long. Am I that obvious?"

"Oh no, not at all..."

"This place is a little bare..."

Understatement. They were housed in a small grey room with only a computer console for decoration. A message was already on the screen. Nel read it aloud.

"' portal doodaa can be found next to console. Other equipment to be provided shortly.' That was thoughtful." She grimaced. "I hate grey."

"I have a remedy!" Jenn produced some posters, pictures, action figures and other random objects from her bottomless bag (originally belonging to a Mary Sue). She began decorating.

However, no sooner had her and Nel put up a Lord of the Rings poster, and ripped a rather cute Brian Kendrick poster down the middle, they were interrupted.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

"Ow!"

Nel looked at the readout. "Houston, we have a mission."

"What's it like?"

"Typical Mary Sue by the looks of things - full of herself, very pretty, incredibly powerful... goes by the name of Collenna."  
Jenn's eyes had scrolled slightly further down the page. Her eyes bulged.

"Should we be on our way?" She asked, very slowly, through gritted teeth.

"What's up?"

"One does not mess around with the feelings of the Weasleys without encuring my wrath. Let's go. Very quickly. And kill her."

Nel moved slightly away from her partner. "Right, so Hogwarts uniforms.. hey check it out! Written before the films - this'll be good..." She fiddled about a bit with the controls. Jenn, being slightly more eager, pressed the portal maker doodaa and jumped through.

They arrived outside the grounds of Hogwarts just as the door of Hagrid's hut was opened to Harry and friends by his 'new assistant', a, not very surprisingly, pretty young girl, with -

"Bright purple eyes?" Jenn blinked. "Ow. Bit too florescent for my tastes. How does one get purple eyes?"

"Contact lenses? Shall we go a bit closer, so we can hear?"

"If we must."

The conversation was just about audible from their new position behind the cabin, but it was mainly the Sue speaking a load of rubbish.

_"Wait a minuet." Broke in Harry._

"Ok," muttered Jenn, "But you'll have to wait until I warm my flute up."

"Shh, she's explaining how she was expelled."

There was a pause while everything sank in.

"She duelled her head teacher?"

"She won?"

"She was expelled for beating her teacher in a duel. Well... it's new."

"Stop! She's sixteen right?" Nel was pondering.

"I think so.."

"She was expelled?"

"Yes.."

"She's passed her apparition test."

"What? She was expelled and so she gets to apparate under age? Where is the sense?" cried poor Jenn.

"Hey, don't look at me - she wrote it!"

"So, if I begin the charge list, with extreme pleasure - making Hagrid need an assistant, being expelled yet allowed to keep her wand AND use it, apparating under age.."

"Oh, she's telling them about, gasp, 'the list'. And now they're leaving. Did they not want to see Hagrid or anything?"

"What's the list when it's at home?"

"If we catch up with Harry he's telling the other two about it."

Unseen by the canon characters, the assassins walked beside Harry, listening to his explanation.

_"Oh, I've known about it for some time now. I didn't know that there was another underage wizard on it but it's basically Voldemort's hit list."_

"Oh just a hit list," sighed Jenn in an offhand way. "The most powerful dark wizard ever wants me dead, but I don't care, I've known about it for ages."

"And let's take a wild stab in the dark who, apart from Harry, is on the list..."

"Aargh! Prepare yourself!"

SWOMPH!

They had arrived at the Gryffindor table in time for a feast to honour, ahem, the new assistant gamekeeper. Because that's normal.

"I hate time jumps."

"They make m...m...meeble..." Nel trailed off, spotting a blond haired boy at the Slytherin table.

"Great, I'm teamed up with a Malfoy obssessor."

Nel carried on drooling.

"Fine, I will just listen to her speech and... an hour of questions! No way! We're hopping."

Not waiting for an answer, Jenn dragged Nel through a portal one hour later. Just in time for the final question.

_As Collenna started down off the podium, one last hand went up from the Slytherin table. It belonged to none other than Draco Malfoy. "Are you single?"_

Being quite forward thinking, Jenn had stepped on the hem of Nel's robes, to prevent her jumping up and strangling Collenna there and then.

"When can we kill her?"

"Sorry Nel, I think we'll have to wait until she kills Voldemort - that's the big continuum messer upper."

"I can wait. If I can kill her."

"Aww, but she messes with the Wea -" Nel glared menacingly. "Yes, you can kill her."

"Hold on - it's doing it again."

SWOMPH!

_It was late October. Ron, Harry, and Hermione walked down to the small hut behind Hagrid's where Collenna lived. It was rather gloomy outside and looked like it was going to rain. _The author appeared to have forgotten what conjunctions were.

"Oh dancing in the rain together. This will be painful."

"Remind me why they're not supposed to get wet?"

Nel glanced at the words. "All the fires at Hogwarts are being repaired."

"Right."

Luckily, they did not have to endure this for too long.

SWOMPH!

"I wish that would stop. Oooh, teachers lounge!"

"Listen my partner.."

"_She seems to be fitting in quite well." Professor Dumbledore said while smiling._

"_Yes, she and everyone. All the students like her. You should have seen the common room when she walked in. Everyone wanted to talk to her." Snape remarked. "She's smart too. The only thing wrong with her is that she hangs out with Potter's gang."_

"_There's nothing wrong with 'Potter's gang' Severus." I'd rather her hang out with them then with Malfoy." Professor McGonagall snapped._

"Do teachers really say 'hang out'? Espescially McGonagall?" mumbled Nel.

"And I'm pretty sure that McGonagall doesn't really discriminate against Malfoy that much."

"I'm quite glad we haven't got our OOC devices yet. I can just imagine breaking them on our first mission."

"What exactly is this 'situation' they're all talking about?"

"Probably something to do with saving the world. Oh wait, this will be funny."

"_I'm with Minerva. You-know-who's on the rise. He could attack at any moment. They need to know. Plus, if they know, they can combine their power. With the stuff that boy's got plus the power she has, they could be more powerful than he-who-must-not-be-named. There'd be no stopping them. And they both know how to use it. He's a Triwizard Champion; she's a 3-time winner of the International Mugwump Competition. She beat both of us Severus." Professor Sprout had his say._

Professor Sprout momentarily gained male features before returning to HER usual form.

"Oh, so this is set after the fourth book.. then of course Voldemort's on the rise you prat!"

"Calm down Jenn. See, they've finished and they'll tell them after Christmas."

SWOMPH!

"You really need a strong stomach for this."

"Nel, you might not want to see this."

"Why! Aargh!"

"_Professor Dumbledore!" Collenna was in the great hall, pulling a stretcher as he _(Collenna morphed twistedly into a man and then back again. How strange.) _went. "I was in my quarters when he knocked on my door. I thought it was an emergency, so I let him in. Then, he said that he had to tell me something before he exploded. He said…" With that she collapsed. Dumbledore understood completely. He put his arm around her shoulder and walked her and the stretcher to the imfermery. Collenna stayed there for the night, she had been somewhat drained of her power. The person on the stretcher was lifted into the bed next to her. His silver-blond hair shined in the moonlight. It was Draco._

"What... was that?"

"Don't worry, he'll live. It's some twisted curse she has on her, she moans about it later. No one can tell her that they love her if she loves them too, or they get hurt. And visa versa. Basically."

"You mean, he told her that... How long till we can kill her?"

"A couple more 'scenes'"

SWOMPH!

Harry and Hermione were in the common room kissing.

SWOMPH!

"Why? Why did she put that in? It's never mentioned again, and it's WRONG!"

Jenn was still blinking. "Well, it's a charge. Can you watch this one, I don't think I can." With that, Jenn wandered behind a handy tree to mourn Ronald Weasley.

Nel wasn't particularly keen on listening either. But some very important charges would be missed if she didn't.

In short, Collenna was explaining to Ron how she had kissed every Weasley boy (Aside from the dad. Hopefully), and how Percy was the best kisser. She said this a lot. And it got more disturbing each time. Then, in an odd display of non-embarrassedness, Ron kissed her. So very very wrong.

Jenn came out from behind her tree, her hands covering her eyes. "Is it over?"

"It's ok, come on, let's portal to the Weasley Christmas. All we'll miss is her lamenting to Charlie about the curse."

Jenn sniffed. "Ok."

They quickly did so before they could be swomphed.

"Yay! Christmas at the Burrow!" Jenn ran around like an excited little pixie. Luckily, the Sue hadn't arrived yet so she wasn't seen.

_When they arrived, it was a hug fest. Everyone had to hug everyone else._

"Why?" sighed Nel to herself. "Why must you state such obvious things..." She banged her head on a nearby wall.

_Then all the boys went to one wing of the house, while all the girls went to the other. _

As Nel continued to destroy the last of her brain cells, Jenn wondered when the Burrow had become big enough to have 'wings'.

SWOMPH!

"Darn, wasn't expecting that."

"Do we have to be here?" Nel moaned. "It's just more about the dumb curse."

"I just want to see something. Ah, here it is."

_Charlie sighed in a manor that you could tell he had wished Bill had kept his mouth shut._

Both agents were amazed as the boys room was magically transformed into a manor so that Charlie could sigh in it.

"Ok, bored now. Let's portal to the Yule Ball."

"Yule Ball? Wasn't that in book four? Which has already happened I think.."

"Don't ask me hard questions, let's go."

And so they portalled.

Just in time to see Collenna's chocolate frog card of herself.

"That is so going on the charge list," seethed Nel.

Oddly enough, seeing as neither were students, and one had no right being there, Collenna and Charlie opened the dance. Then Collenna danced with many people, inclusive of Snape. Okay.

_After that Professor Dumbledore stepped in. He whispered "I need to have a word with you. Meet me outside in 3 minuets."_

A small group of minstrels played three numbers and then Collenna went outside.

Outside, Dumbledore was informing Harry and Collenna of an attack by Voldemort that was coming later that night. There were many unsaid questions between Nel and Jenn, such as, 'How did he know?' and 'If he's still as weak as Dumbledore says why is he attacking - alone?'.

SWOMPH!

It was slightly later on it the night, and the school was evacuated bar the staff, Harry and Collenna. Lord Voldemort burst through the door. Again, one has to wonder what exactly his motive for doing so was.

He knocked all the teachers, including Dumbledore unconscious within seconds, leaving Harry alone to

fight him, as Collenna had conveniently disappeared.

She returned moments later, knocked Harry unconscious, drank a love potion, and told Voldemort she loved him. He died, she collapsed. What a climax.

At last the Protectors believed that it was their solemn duty to kill the Mary Sue in a very gruesome way.

Nel picked up the limp Collenna, and Jenn slapped her a couple of times. She eventually came round.

"Collenna, you are charged with being a Mary Sue, making Hagrid need an assistant, being expelled for stupid reasons, being allowed to keep and use your wand after aforementioned expulsion, knocking everyone out of character, breaking the fires in Hogwarts, making Professor Sprout male, inventing dumb curses, making Harry and Hermione kiss, for no reason, kissing all the Weasley brothers, making the Weasley's house large enough to have wings, and then turning it into a manor, duplicating the Yule Ball and taking along people who shouldn't be there, making a chocolate frog card of yourself, causing random minstrels to play minuets, making Voldemort an idiot, making Dumbledore weak, and killing Lord Voldemort! I mean, what's supposed to happen in the next two books? Hmmm?"

"You also trivialised Draco - not to mention making all the teachers sound like prats." Nel spat before slitting the Sue's throat with her nail. Voldemort promptly woke up and apparated elsewhere, respective Weasley's went back to their respective places, the teachers woke up, and the students began wandering back into school.

"Do you think it'll be ok?" wondered Nel.

"Oh yeah, they'll sort everything out."

"And what shall we do with the dead Mary Sue, what shall we do with the dead Mary Sue, what shall we do with the dead Mary Sue, early in the morning?"

A smile spread across Jen's face. "I know some spiders that are in need of fresh meat..."

Jenn's AN) THOU SHALT NOT MESS WITH THE WEASLEYS LEST YOU ENCURE THE WRATH OF A THOUSAND JENNYS! To be honest, this fic was better than some I've read. I would've done them, but Hermione/Draco scares me.

Nel's AN - added later) Hello! Draco is mine, mine and mine. Nobody else's. Does the happy 'Draco is mine' dance However he is still a complete and utter bastard. Stuck up, arrogant, muggle / mudblood hater. He will never be loving or caring. If I can deal with that, then everyone else can too. But still – mine! Or not – as the sorry case may be…


	2. Censors and Bogeymuggles

**_Censors and Bogeymuggles._**

Thank you padfoot'smoon! Now, because I am so excited about my first review, I'm putting the second chapter up right now

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and co. I do not own the PPC or their gadgets. I don't even own Jenn. All I own is Nel. And sometimes she scares even me. You can _have_ Nel for free. Just don't blame me for the damage. If however you do feel the urge to sue, go right ahead. Just don't do it the Mary - way….

Once again, the extracts from the Mary-Sue fic are in italics.

'Bored, bored, bored,' Nel wandered around the room, examining the pictures hung on the wall for the fiftieth time that morning.

'Nel, get out of the way!' Jenn complained as Nel crossed in front of the television.

'Why? You've watched that match, like, ten times already. You speak along with it.'

'Well, it's not like we have anything better to do.'

'We could go and buy another picture. I'm fed up with these,' Nel gestured around the room. 'Or, and here's a novel idea, buy some chairs to sit on.'

'Shut up and sit on your beanbag.' Jenn poked the red bag towards Nel. 'Besides, we can't go out because we might get another Mary-Sue.'

'We've hardly been out for a whole week. Please let me out.' Nel begged just as a beeping sound came from the console in the corner.

'There, I told you so,' Jenn said smugly as Nel tried to suffocate herself with her beanbag. 'Oh stop that and read this.'

Nel stood up and grabbed the ream of paper from Jenn, eyes quickly skimming the pages.

'Right, it's a Harry Potter, complete with Psycho-Sue, who in this one ends up blowing up Hogwarts after killing her brother who happens to be Lord Voldemort, after being under the….' Nel trailed off and exploded into fits of laughter.

'What? What was she under?' Jenn tried, unsuccessfully, to take the story back off Nel.

Nel regained herself and tried again, 'She was under the…' but again started laughing and this time fell over the bean bag.

Through gales of laughter Jenn managed to catch the word 'curse' as well as something about logic problems.

'Come on Nel, I guess I'll find out later anyway.' Jenn pulled up Nel, and created a door way.

Jenn stepped through the door way, and pulled a still giggling Nel in behind her, a clipboard in the other hand.

Once on the other side she looked down to make sure that they'd fit in. The Hogwarts robes they had on seemed fine but she always checked, just incase. After that time... Jenn shuddered.

'Everything seems fine Nel, let's get to work.'

The two girls made their way to the school and soon found themselves in the midst of the Mary-sue fic when two figures emerged from the corridor that led to the Slytherin common room, right in the path of Harry, Ron and Hermione. One was Draco Malfoy (Nel whimpered). The other was a pale, dark haired girl that Nel hated the sight of. None of them noticed the extra students hanging around. Mostly because the canon characters weren't able to unless they were directly spoken to, and the sue was just stupid.

'_And STAY out of our common room, (censored)!' Screamed Malfoy._

Jenn winced at the over usage of exclamation marks, wondering what kind of insult 'censored' was, as Nel's eyes narrowed at the abuse of her precious Malfoy.

'Malfoy would never say that, whatever it was she censored. And he certainly would not 'scream'. He has decorum, stature, dignity, nobility, distinction, grandeur….'

'Shut up weirdo, I want to hear,' Jenn whispered as the Mary-Sue started talking.

'_That Lucius Malfoy! I HATE him! Pretending his name is Draco and he doesn't know me!_

_Talk about rude and stupid! If he wasn't a fellow Slytherin, I'd…' Her voice trailed off._

'He is not rude _or _stupid,' Nel was practically foaming at the mouth. 'Just misunderstood.'

'_Who are YOU?' She asked. 'I've never seen you around before…'_

'_Um, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger.'_

'_Who?'_

_Ron was laughing hard. 'Finally, someone who's never heard of Harry! FINALLY!'_

_An even deeper frown crossed the strange girl's face._

'That's an interesting look,' Nel whispered as the frown climbed down and crossed the corridor as well.

'_Why SHOULD I have heard of Harry Potter? What did he do?'_

_Ron laughed harder. 'Well he – he stole a hundred Galleons from – '_

'What? When?' Jenn frowned and wrote down 'Harry – thief.'

'Uh, Jenn?'

'Yes?'

'I think he was being sarcastic. Or….not.' Nel gave in as Jenn glared at her and underlined what she had written. 'It's your charge list after all.'

_Hermione glare. 'Ron, it's not funny that this girl hasn't read her history books properly, and you certainly shouldn't exploit that fact.'_

'Wow, she sure comes down heavy.'

'_Harry Potter is known for having caused the downfall of Voldemort, although-'_

'_Voldemort? Downfall?'_

'_Voldemort was-'_

'_I know who Voldemort is,' said the girl quietly. 'But how did you know that my brother likes to call himself Lord Voldemort?'_

'Jenn, can we kill her now?'

Jenn ignored Nel and continued the charge list.

_Ron stopped laughing._

'_Your brother?' Asked Harry 'But – but that's impossible – he must be in his sixties by now…'_

'_Sixties? Tom isn't in his sixties. He's eleven, for crying out loud…'_

_Suddenly the girl stopped, as if all this was finally making sense._

'_What year is this?' She asked suspiciously._

'_1995.'_

'Oh here it comes, Jenn! The curse. Oh the cursedness…' Nel shoved her hand in her mouth to muffle her giggles and turned away.

'_So if it was 1937 before… I thought so,' she said. 'It's the fifty eight year sleep curse. He must have cast it on me while I was in that closet looking for…'_

_Hermione gasped. 'The fifty eight year sleep curse! I've heard of that… We need to tell Dumbledore!'_

'The fifty eight year sleep curse?' Jenny raised her eyebrows and wrote more notes down as Ron started talking.

'_Tell Dumbledore?' said Ron._

'_Of course,' Said Hermione. 'Ron, the fate of the entire wizarding world could rest on this girl!'_

'Oh could it indeed? Hah!'

'_She could provide us vital information about Voldemort…'_

'_So he really is one of the greatest wizards of all time, and… (censored) him!' She suddenly shouted, then turned on her heel to go who knows where, leaving a perplexed Harry, Ron and Hermione behind her._

'Too many exclamation marks…' murmured Jenn, turning to Nel, who had put in ear plugs.

'What did I miss?' She asked when Jenn kicked her.

'The Mary-sue discovering Voldemort is 'one of the greatest wizards of all time', but apart from that, nothing much. So what now?'

Nel looked at the paper still in her hand. 'Well at dinner Dumbledore announces to the whole school who she is, which is Alanna Mary Riddle, and also it would appear that Voldemort is going to attack the school and they should be on their guard. Because causing a panic is the best thing to do under these circumstances.'

'How do they know?' Asked Jenn.

'Um… it's here later on…' Nel trailed off and started scanning the pages. 'Oh, here it is… Voldemort writes them a letter.'

'He WHAT!'

'Writes a letter.'

'Tell me Nel, if you were going to attack somewhere, would you write them a letter telling them?'

'Like I said, logic problems.'

'Anyway, what happens after dinner?'

'Potions, in which we get to hear aaaaaaall about Alanna. Oh joy.'

'Should we go?'

'Yeah, we'll get a whole lot more to put on your little clipboard…'

Once in potions, Jenn and Nel settled themselves down behind Ron, Harry, Hermione and the 'sue.

'_He really is a great wizard' seemed to be all she could say. She was pretty stunned_

For a second, Alanna keeled over as a stunning spell hit her.

Jenn glared at Nel, who tried to look innocent.

'_Only if your definition of 'great; is killing every third person within a thousand miles of yourself…'_

_Alanna smiled. 'Maybe it is.'_

_Harry stared._

_Alanna now seemed to be talking to herself._

'First sign of madness,' Nel muttered

'_(censored) that kid… he wasn't supposed to grow up and become a dark lord without me! I was the one who made up all that stuff in the first place…'_

Jenn made a spluttering sound and scribbled furiously, 'Liar, credit snatcher, attention seeker…'

'_You?'_

'_Well why not? It's better than sitting around and letting the mudbloods ruin everything. We both made up names for ourselves by rearranging the letters of out filthy Muggle-given names… Tom's name spelled 'I am Lord Voldemort', and mine spelled 'I am Lady Landenarr'.' _

_Landenarr. It was an interesting sounding name._

'And stupid. Jenn, can I pleeeeeease kill her?'

'No! My turn remember. But you can read out the charges if you like. I know you enjoy that just as much, even if it is just to add some pointless ones that are only annoying on a more personal level.'

_It was also proof that Alanna was turning out to be just as evil as her younger brother._

'Why are they still talking to her? She's obviously a psycho! This is soooo stupid!'

'Nel! Shut up! Again!'

'_No talking during potions, Potter,' Said Professor Snape. 'Twenty points from Gryffendor.'_

'Oh look Nel, a completely new house! GryffEndor! Very interesting..' Jenn said scathingly as she wrote another note down. 'Doesn't the stupid bint know how to use a spell check?'

Nel grinned, It looked like Jenn hated Alanna as much as her.

'Jenn, the next bit is just Harry and Co. talking to Alanna, showing her the Chamber of Secrets where she,' Nel pulled a face, 'cries, because the Basilisk is dead. Because that's what normal people do when they discover that the huge killing machine has been stopped. Then she says she'll help fight the big V because Harry asks her to... Next there's a bit more but its all crap, crap, crap, crap,' Nel flicked through the words, 'Gah, we can skip all of this…but oh! Here we go, the letter.'

'Let's get there then.'

'_Cockroach cluster!' said Harry, and made his way up to Dumbledore's office._

'_Yes?' said Dumbledore, who was reading some papers, but put them down on Harry's entrance._

'Did we really need all that info?'

'_I… well, a lot of things have happened, and I'm not sure where to start, but…'_

'_Sit down,' said Dumbledore. He looked unusually grave. 'It's about Miss Riddle, isn't it?'_

'_Well yes.'_

'Did you even have to ask? Eeeeeeverythings about Miss Riddle. The whore.'

_Miss Riddle has told me of these past few day's events. She has told me she is willing to help us in the fight against Voldemort.'_

'_Well – that's the problem, really. I don't trust her. She seems to know an awful lot of dark magic, for one thing. And she's a lot like her brother. Did you know she has a name for herself, too? Lady Landenarr. And –'_

'I don't get it. Didn't he ask her to join them in the first place?' Jen looked at Nel wildly. 'My head hurts.'

Unfortunately Nel wasn't around to help. She was too busy trying to find the hardest surface in the office, in order to bang her head against it.

'_I am aware that Miss Riddle is, like her brother, not entirely sane. However, she is our greatest link to Voldemort, and in times like these, it often becomes necessary to enlist the help of those we would rather avoid.'_

'That,' bang, 'is a,' bang, 'damn stinkin',' bang, 'lie!' BANG! Nel smiled as the pain of the fic faded away to make room for her incoming headache.

_That made little sense to Harry, but before he could say so, there was another knock on the door. Dumbledore got up and went to the door to speak to whoever was out there. From their voices, it seemed like it was Professor Slamabama, the new Defence teacher, but Harry couldn't make out what they were saying. On impulse, he moved closer to the papers Dumbledore had been reading. When he saw what the scrawled writing on It, _('What the…?') _though, he almost wished he hadn't. This was the threat from Voldemort Dumbledore had spoken of earlier._

Jenn took out a small remote type thing, and froze the fic. Nel gaped at her. Jenn ignored her and took out the clipboard, 'Who is Professor 'Slamabama'? The name seriously offends me. Why would anyone employ someone called Slamabama?'

Nel however couldn't really care less. Something else had caught her attention.

'I didn't know we could do that. When do I get a freezy thing?'

Jenn turned to look at her, eyebrows raised, 'When I can trust you not to pause the fic every time Draco walks on.'

'Fine, be like that!' Nel sulked and turned back to the letter. One might wonder why this was her response, but it probably had something to do with the fact that she knew she was never going to get the freezy thing now.

_Dearest Albus,_

_I am going to arrive at your pitiful little school at 8:00 PM on Thursday, January 15th and there is nothing you can do about it. If you want the students to be saved from being blown up into smithereens, then put Harry Potter and Alanna Riddle in front of the doors of the school by the time I get there. I want them tied up, unarmed, and conscious. I will not excuse lateness. If this demand is not met your entire school will be anhillated. _

'That's not how you spell annihilated. It sounds like he's going to build a hill in Hogwarts,' Jenn pointed out. Then she did a double take when she caught a glimpse at Nel's head. A large bump was forming. However she chose not to comment as much more pressing matters were at hand.

'Oh. My. Goodness. He wrote a precise date!' Jenn stared at the letter, shocked.

Nel's left eye began to twitch. 'When you kill her, do it slowly.'

Jenn nodded, pressed her remote, and the scene started.

_Dumbledore came back from his talk with Professor Slamabama._

'_Professor,' said Harry,_

'Said Harry… Said Dumbledore… Said Ron… All these people do is 'say'. Why can't they beg, or remark, or even state?' Jenn grumbled.

'_I – I saw Voldemort's letter to you.'_

'Only because you went and looked through the stuff on Albus' desk!'

'_I have a plan. I know how we could get out of this without having the school blown up, or getting me or Alanna killed.'_

'Wait! Don't you start a new paragraph when another person talks?' Nel asked.

'Yeah…' Jenn nodded.

'But Harry was still talking, so that means…' Nel trailed off.

'Oh no,' Jenn winced as she looked up and saw two Harry Potters talking to Dumbledore, telling him their plan. Which Dumbledore liked. Hardly a surprise there.

'_It could work,' he said._

There was a SWOMPH as the fic forwarded to the next day – the 15th.

'Why didn't you tell me that was going to happen?' Jenn moaned. 'Why would you do something like that?'

As Nel and Jenn held onto their stomachs in fear of losing their food, they noticed that Harry and Alanna were tied to a pole in front of Hogwarts.

_Sure enough, Voldemort arrived at precisely 8:00, at least according to the clock in one of the Hogwarts towers. He was flanked by a terrifyingly large array of Death Eaters, Dementors, and other various scary things in cloaks._

'This is just stupid, 'various scary things in cloaks.' Pah!' Jenn murmured.

_Voldemort was pleased to see that on the surface his demands had been met._

'_Hello Harry,' he said. 'We meet again. Comfortable? Enjoying yourself? I'm so glad to hear it. And Alanna… having fun being the younger one for once in your life? Do you feel powerful now? Do you feel like Lady Landenarr?'_

'_Eat (censored), Tom!' snapped Alanna._

'How can you eat censored?' Nel asked quietly, then making an 'Aah' of realisation as Voldemort ate a little black strip.

'_I should warn you two little brats,' said Voldemort, 'if any of you try anything funny, I shall simply say the word and your precious little school will go KABLOOSH! With all your dear little friends and our wonderful, amazing Headmaster inside it. Got that? Good.' He laughed his all-too-familiar high, cold laugh._

'_Oh no you don't, Tom,' said Alanna, with the air of one revealing her greatest and most terrible weapon. 'The Bogeynuggle will get you if you kill us… the Boooooogeeeeeymuuuuuggllllleeeee…'_

Nel couldn't take anymore, she stormed ahead of Jenn, waving her arms around in anger.

'What the HELL is a frickin' Bogeymuggle?' She shouted.

Everyone turned to her in shock. Alanna stood up, able to because the ropes had been 'magically weakened.'

'What's going on?' She narrowed her eyes and raised her wand.

'Don't bother Mary-Sue,' Nel kicked her in the shin so she sat down again. 'You are charged with 1)Pissing me off, 2)SWOMPH-ing us, 3)Making Malfoy call you a censored, which also is apparently something you can eat, 4)Calling him rude and stupid, when really he's just misunderstood…'

'NEL! Do the real charges.'

'Um, yeah, right. 5) Accusing Harry of being a thief, 6) Changing the pot to give Voldemort a sister called Alanna/Landenarr, which is a stupid name anyway, and not at all suitable for a Dark Lord. 7)Inventing the highly amusing, but highly illogical fifty-eight year sleep curse, 8)Making Voldemort so stupid that he writes a letter to Dumbledore to warn him, 9)Saying that you made up all the things that Voldemort did, Bad Credit stealer!' Nel paused for a moment to allow Jenn to smack the 'Sue hard over the back of the head. '!0)Inventing a new house called Gryffendor, 11)Inventing a new Teacher, and worse, 12)calling them Slamabama. 13) Threatening to build a hill in the middle of Hogwarts, 14) Changing the logic of your own fic, 15) Contradicting your own fic, 16) Including completely retarded and pointless information, 17) Adding another Harry to your fic, 18) Always 'saying' things, use a bit of variety, eh? 19) Making Voldemort eat censored, 20) Inventing a Bogeymuggle, I mean, come on… A _bogeymuggle_? What were you thinking? 21) Making Voldemort scared of something so utterly stupid. And if we hadn't of stopped you, you would have killed Voldemort, and blown up Hogwarts yourself, killing everyone. And that includes Malfoy, which is a crime in itself. Then laughing! As well as making Harry think you were attractive. You are a very sad and twisted person, and all this deserves a suitable punishment. Over to you Jenn.'

Jenn stepped forward 'Let's take a walk.'

Jenn and Nel each grabbed one of Alanna's arms, and marched her through the grounds of Hogwarts. When they got to the lake, Jenn stopped.

'You know, I don't feel like walking anymore. Hey Alanna, fancy a swim?'

Without waiting for an answer, Jenn pushed Alanna into the lake, where she disappeared for a few seconds, then surfaced.

'Is that the best you can do?' She jeered.

Nel looked at Jenn and smiled,' what's going to happen now?'

'Just watch, I borrowed the Watcher from the Gates of Moria…' The rest was pretty self explanatory as the Watcher surfaced and proceeded to rip Alanna apart.

'Clever!' Nel shouted over the screams, which were cut off abruptly. 'Very ingenious.'

'Well, I like to think so.'

'Hey, Jenn?'

'Ye-es?'

'What do we do with the students and teachers?'

'Oh yeah…'

Jen hurried off in the direction of the school, where many confused witches and wizards still stood, Nel following close behind.

'Um…excuse me?' a very worried looking Voldemort tapped Nel on the shoulder. 'But I don't think I'm supposed to be here. Yet.'

Nel grinned, 'No problem big V, just look straight at this shiny stick. That goes for the rest of you too.'

As one, Jenn and Nel whipped out dark glasses. There was a blinding flash then everyone else went slightly slack jawed.

Jenn was the first to speak. 'Right. You!' She pointed at Voldemort, 'you were never here…'

'Except when he went to school here, ' Nell added, absent mindedly.

'Um…Yes! That too. You lot, go inside. This never happened. Everyone go back to whatever they were doing before Alanna came along.'

'Not that she existed.'

'Will you shut up?'

Later that day at the PPC headquarters, the initial buzz at killing a 'sue was wearing off, and Jenn had gone back to watching her wrestling, whilst Nel studied the pictures again. And rubbed cream on the very red bump on her forehead.

'You know, we could go and buy some chairs now.'

'Actually… Why not? Let me get my coat.'

'Really? You're actually going to leave this room?' Nel practically jumped for joy.

They were just about to leave when a beeping sound came form the corner.

Nel sank to the floor, head in her hands. 'I hate this job.'

(A.N. Heylo, 'tis Nel! Well, that was a fun PPC to do. What an idiot though! Stupid names and everything! Though I must admit that I am quite a fan of the Fifty-eight year sleep curse, cracks me up every time. The bogeymuggle however… that just bloody annoyed me! Grrrr.

And yes, Malfoy is still mine. So NYEH!)


End file.
